Should I Stay or Should I Go, The Remix

Funny thing happened on the way to the Blogger Dashboard.  After I posted part one, (which is not titled as such 'cause I didn't know there would be a part 2 at the time but I digress), I discovered a remarkably similar post from Etta over at Depression Marathon.  

It was extra-remarkable for me as I not only had just posted about depression triggered by social situations in part 1, I had also posted about church recently.  While I found myself longing for the kind of fellowship and sense of community that something like church can provide, Etta found herself experiencing negative feelings following church services, and thought she might be unique in feeling that way.  Etta was quickly reassured that she was not, and that many of us experience similar feelings upon leaving social gatherings, family events, and the like. 


Then, a new reader, (hi Nas!) posted something here that really turned on the light for me. 


Said Nas (in a double quote comment here), "When I started blogging back in August, I did so because a friend of mine once said to me, 'share your thoughts and reflections with other people who may be going through the same thing as sharing your happiness increases it, and sharing your experiences and sorrows helps you deal with them better'."


Well, as it turns out Nas's friend is dead on.  Etta posted a followup thanking commenters for sharing similar experience, and I have already been immeasurably helped by putting my feelings to words in this space.


How about that.  What a great sense of community.  What a great group to be a part of.  I am, like Etta, reassured and heartened by the support shown not only to me, but to others who live with mental illness and choose to write about it.


Now here's more good news.  Got an invite to a social gathering this week.  The invite was from a friend, but the gathering was to be at the home of someone else, who I didn't know, and there would be others there I did not know.  I could feel the spiral start early this time in preparation for the emotional trauma to come.  Then, quite unexpectedly, my friend said to me privately, "I know you aren't too comfortable with this sort of thing, but I think you will have a really good time."


And that's all it took this time to sidestep the Black Dog from getting me down.  Acknowledgment and support.  It's like a great weight was lifted.  I went to this person's house for the scheduled activity, was somewhat outgoing and social, and managed to drive home without getting the sad urge to detour to the ER.  


That, my friends, is real progress.

Up-Tastic

I have had a couple of posts that have been a bit dark.  Anger and trees was particularly dark but I like to think I pulled out of the dive at the last moment there.  The Dance was a tad symbolistic and dark, yet I was particularly proud of that one.  These posts are just flowing out of me... and it feels good.  I am glad I started this.

However, I am pretty sure it behooves me to up the positivity quotient a notch.  Let me relate a story that took place last week.  It's a story of stigmas that some people didn't know that they subscribed to.  And, it's a story about pushing past that same stigma.

A group of us were discussing famous people with disabilities.  Names were thrown out, Internet research was done, and a mighty list generated of people who had succeeded greatly despite a disability.    The list was varied, and included people with mental illness as well as physical disabilities.  

(Defining mental illness as a disability is a debatable issue, I admit.  Some people agree that it is, some people don't like the label.  A topic for another post, perhaps.)

What I noticed most of all in the room was this:  generally speaking, people didn't quite believe that very successful people could have a disability or a mental illness.  There was no malice or negativity associated with this belief, it just struck some people as odd that someone could overcome and succeed despite their illness or condition.

Here's one of the lists we uncovered:  Famous depressed people.  Here's another: famous people with disabilities.  Certainly the level of fame on many is debatable, but the concept remains.  There are people in ALL fields, that have a mental illness or a physical challenge, and have risen above and excelled in their chosen field.  

A blind person who led a fairly independent life once told me that the greatest compliment he ever received was when someone said after a time, "Oh I didn't realize you were blind!"

After our discussion, I really think some folks I know had a little less prejudice and a little more open mindedness.  Score one for the anti-stigma movement.

What are ya doin New Year's Eve?

Funny thing happened.  


As I've mentioned, the Christmas Season is a bit of a burden on a lot of people with mental illness, including me.  However, New Year's Eve has it's own special brand of hurt.  It's one of the loneliest nights of the year for many.  Again, including me.  People are out celebrating the dawn of a new year with friends, loved ones, people they've just met.  People like me know that going out to such social and joyful occasions is a sure-fire way to trigger a major episode.  People like me are double damned 'cause staying home alone when the world is celebrating can be yet another trigger.  People like me are triple-damned 'cause we weren't invited in the first place...probably due to the fact that we never say yes to that sort of thing so no one invites us anymore.


Where's the way out?


I had the strangest urge on the 31st.  I had the urge to go to church.  Now for many of you this may not seem like something all that strange.  What's the big deal with church, you might say.  Coming from a non-spiritual, non-religious, non-Christian, non-Buddhist, non-Mulsim, non....well you get the idea.. this is a strange compulsion!  I have rather definite and strong feelings on organized religion and church and whatnot... and not all of them are positive.


I checked around and as it turned out no local churches were having New Year services.  I was nonetheless intrigued by my strange urge to go to church.  What possible reason would my depression-addled brain have for coming up with the idea to send me to church?


And that's when it came to me.  It's all about fellowship.  I have a friend who is heavily involved in the church. As a result she has many friends.  She always has company around.  Her faith and how it comforts her is another story (for she too suffers from mental illness), but what I have always seen in her is a huge circle of people who all gather together for a good purpose.  The debate over faith/supernatural beings/gods is certainly another story as well.... but what I am trying to get at here is church represents fellowship.


I can't see me becoming a church regular just to be near other human beings.  That seems somehow...wrong.  However, the point was well made.  What can I do to make sure I am occasionally surrounded by other people?


I've got to find something to join.  

Distraction has proven effective in my state.  


Wallowing makes it worse.

The KeyStone

Trolling the web looking for hope has been....less than fruitful.


Until now.


Now that I have taken the step of writing my own blog to increase the level of hope and sanity in my life... I have tripped over a whole new community of like-minded souls.  Why I couldn't have tripped over this community months ago when I started to look is beyond me, but the universe works in mysterious ways sometimes.  Maybe I had lessons to learn.


Two blogs in particular that I will be spending some time at reading older posts are, in no particular order, Hope Despite Depression and If You're Going Through Hell Keep Going .  Looks like there are some other people out there who have decided to raise the bar for mental illness resources online.  


Turns out... there IS hope.