Raining, pouring, etc

Hey.


I have a couple of stories to tell tonight.  One is kinda strange.  One is not.


The Not Strange story is a pretty good one.  It's a followup to my strangely sports-themed post of some days ago.  We spoke of how my department was moving to another part of the country, and how no one was going with it, and how I was going to be taping hockey sticks for some minor league team out in the sticks.


Well.  How times change.  In my unique way of being deliberately vague and yet getting across the gist of what's happening, seems this other championship team in the same major league needed a new head coach.  And so, instead of being sent to who-knows-where, I have had something of a promotion while not having to move anyplace.  Fate moves in mysterious ways.  And thankful I am for it.


In the last couple of weeks I've experience muted joy, which is an odd experience indeed.  I probably should have been dancing in the streets, or at least celebrating in some fashion.  Alas, this dysthymia puts a cork in any exceptional feelings.  It has a tendency to do that.  At least I have been relatively MDE free for a few weeks!  This low-grade depression has a bright side - it just keeps everything, even the bad, down to a dull roar.


I say "relatively" MDE free 'cause there were a few low points.  But that's for two posts from now.

'Tis the Season

Over the course of my random therascribblings, we’ll talk about triggers.  What sends you into a funk, into the downward spiral, etc.  I’m sure we all have our own.  I’m sure we have some unique ones.

One that I know lots of people share is this time of the year.  It seems entirely unreasonable that a time of year dedicated to love, joy, celebration, and giving, should cause so much pain for so many.

Certainly it’s not unreasonable that someone without all those things at this time of year might be triggered into an episode.  Someone far away from family, someone without family, someone of limited financial means.  It’s sure easy to see how Christmas might put undue stress on people that can’t experience what many do.

However, there`s a darker side.  What of those of us who are near family.  Who have friends.  Who aren’t rich but have enough money to give something to loved ones.  And still... this time of year can send such people into a depressive episode.  For me, it’s usually a Major one.  Full fledged despair, dark thoughts, doom, gloom, and some other appropriate adjectives.

I loathe this time of year.  I put on a brave front for all to see, but I am in constant mental pain until all sign of Christmas is gone around the second week of January.

But why?  It just doesn’t make any sense at all.  

Generally, for me, experiencing joy in social situations is a sure-fire way to trigger an episode.  Or at least, experiencing situations that SHOULD be joyful.  It’s like my brain doesn’t want me to be happy, so when I go out and enjoy myself, I pay dearly later that night or the next day.  The Christmas season amplifies that many times.  Social and family occasions are plentiful, and each one piles on the last to create a major depressive episode that defies description.  

It affects my life in a big way, as I try to attend the least number of Christmas social occasions possible, without looking suspicious.  Do people notice?

Some will say that I have made up my mind and decided I am going to be depressed over the holidays.  Certainly many things are a choice.  I agree that we are all responsible for our own lives.  But let me tell you this.  I don’t intend to take this ongoing major episode lying down.  I’m going to darn well fight back.  Some days I’m going to win.  Some days I might not.  I WILL see the other side of the holidays.  I’m probably going to have a few mental bruises.  I’m probably going to have a scratch or three on my psyche.  But I’m coming out of it.