Monday, January 10, 2011

Anger and trees

For me, depression brings a certain amount of anger. Not the kind of anger that could result in me acting inappropriately in public, but the kind of anger that's frustrating, annoying, and ends up becoming a part of my psyche. It's deep seated. It comes from deep down, and it's been with me for longer than I can remember.  It affects my life in more ways than I can count.

(Stay with me here... this one's got an OK ending.  I promise.)

What makes me mad? It's 'cause depression has stolen so much of my life from me. That's what.

If I am an average human being, I am about halfway through my time on this earth. Depression has stolen a large portion of that life so far. It has taken my social life. My romantic life. It's pretty much nixed the chances of starting a family. Best I can hope for at this point is joining someone else's. Depression has stolen friends from me. Experiences. Things I wanted to do but could not. Places I wanted to go but was unable. So much wasted time, so much

I try to look forward, and not backward. I know there's nothing I can do about the first half of my life. It's close to a write off at this point. Fixating on the past and what could have been is a sure path to making a bad situation even worse. I know deep in my heart that I cannot change the past.

That doesn't help. 

Truly, I wish it did help. But, I am still mad at mental illness. I am mad at the stigma which makes it near impossible to live with (and makes me post anonymously). I am mad that it's so difficult to access professional care for this condition. I am mad that very few people understand what happens to people with this condition.

Most of all, I am mad at....myself.
Mad at myself for being vulnerable to this condition. (Yes, I know that one isn't reasonable but I feel it anyway.) I am mad at myself for not being stronger.  I am mad at myself for waiting so very long to get help, as my life wasted away.
“The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.”
- Chinese Proverb

I know that I should have taken steps to fix my broken mind twenty years ago.  But I didn't.  The second best time to start down the road to recovery is.... right now.  Consider the tree...planted.

Thanks for coming along on the ride with me, and I hope you plant your tree too.

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