Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Most Wonderful Time Of The....Day

Strangely, I sleep OK.  One would expect that in my condition I would be restless.  Insomniac.  Tossing and turning.  But no.

I sleep far too much mind you, and if I didn't set an alarm I would not wake up and would sleep for 24 hours straight, but when I am asleep, things are good.  Perhaps that's why my poor old mind keeps me asleep for so long.  It likes it there.  What I experience is often called "Atypical Depression" where some of the symptoms are atypical of the majority of people living with depression.  Read more here.  Suffice it to say, my body likes to sleep.

I have lots of good dreams, full of happy times.  Nightmares and bad dreams are rare, if not completely nonexistent.   But, we don't live in a dream world.  It's not real.  I can't count that as good times, really.

No, the title-referenced "Most Wonderful Time Of The Day" is this:  The moment I wake up.  Possibly marveling at the sun streaming in the window.  I do like sunbeams.  At that moment in the day, I am happy, things are good.  There is no leaden weight holding me down.  No sadness, no despair.  Just sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.  The day is full of hope, and promise.  There's nothing I can't do!

And then, just like that, it all comes rushing back in like a seventh wave.  Bang, and Ow, I am back in the grips of the black dog again.

It's almost surreal, the state I am in for just a moment each day.  When the dog returns though, it's almost physical in the force of it's arrival.  I'm not an Eminem fan, but he sure said it best, "Snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity".

What is it about that moment in time that all is well?  Is it real?  Is it a holdover from the feel-good dreams playing on a double-feature all night long?  Am I technically still asleep?

The thing to remember is this:  it is possible for me to feel good.  No matter how it happens, or how I get there, it does happen.  That feeling, fleeting though it may be each morning, serves as a reminder of how it can be.  How it will be when I shake off the dog for good.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


Lunacy is an interesting word.  It originates from the belief that the full moon can cause behavioral changes in a person.  Hence LUNA-cy.  Centuries ago, "lunacy" was a legal defense for the charge of murder.  "The Moon Made Me Do It" was apparently the defense of the time.  Or, people would wait for the full moon to exact revenge on an enemy as they knew there was a better chance of getting away with it...which is probably the more likely explanation.

I bring this up now as the full moon occurred last night.  Anecdotal evidence is everywhere that the full moon causes...well... lunacy.  Hospital workers, police officers, firepersons, will all tell you that the full moon night is a wild time.

There doesn't seem to be any scientific evidence of the moon's effect on humans, rather it seems to be all legend.   I say "seems to be" because I "seem to be" affected by the full moon every month.  The scientific, logical person in me scoffs at the thought.  "Pffft", it says.  And yet every full moon, I "seem to" have a really low point that usually centers around loneliness.  

It's the strangest thing.    

I begin to pine for companionship, become greatly sad that I an alone in the world, and I head down into a sad despondent slump.  More often than not, I don't even think of the moon causing it until I look up at night, see the bright white ball, and go, "ahhh that explains it".  It's actually kind of rare to see the full moon here as the climate involves a lot of clouds and rain, but if it's a clear night and I look out and see it, I have that "a-ha" moment.  The night before last was that moment, when I was becoming very sad and desolate indeed, and looked out and saw the just-about-full moon..."ah.  here we go again."

It's conflicting.  The logical side of me is busy "pfft"ing, while the realistic side of me is valiantly arguing the case, "Just look - you are sad, and there is a full moon.... AGAIN".  

Am I imagining things?  Is there an effect on humans caused by lunar cycles?  Is it all nonsense?  Am I secretly a werewolf? 

Real or not, at least the moon is waning now and I can probably count on a swing upwards.