Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Most Wonderful Time Of The....Day

Strangely, I sleep OK.  One would expect that in my condition I would be restless.  Insomniac.  Tossing and turning.  But no.

I sleep far too much mind you, and if I didn't set an alarm I would not wake up and would sleep for 24 hours straight, but when I am asleep, things are good.  Perhaps that's why my poor old mind keeps me asleep for so long.  It likes it there.  What I experience is often called "Atypical Depression" where some of the symptoms are atypical of the majority of people living with depression.  Read more here.  Suffice it to say, my body likes to sleep.

I have lots of good dreams, full of happy times.  Nightmares and bad dreams are rare, if not completely nonexistent.   But, we don't live in a dream world.  It's not real.  I can't count that as good times, really.

No, the title-referenced "Most Wonderful Time Of The Day" is this:  The moment I wake up.  Possibly marveling at the sun streaming in the window.  I do like sunbeams.  At that moment in the day, I am happy, things are good.  There is no leaden weight holding me down.  No sadness, no despair.  Just sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.  The day is full of hope, and promise.  There's nothing I can't do!

And then, just like that, it all comes rushing back in like a seventh wave.  Bang, and Ow, I am back in the grips of the black dog again.

It's almost surreal, the state I am in for just a moment each day.  When the dog returns though, it's almost physical in the force of it's arrival.  I'm not an Eminem fan, but he sure said it best, "Snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity".

What is it about that moment in time that all is well?  Is it real?  Is it a holdover from the feel-good dreams playing on a double-feature all night long?  Am I technically still asleep?

The thing to remember is this:  it is possible for me to feel good.  No matter how it happens, or how I get there, it does happen.  That feeling, fleeting though it may be each morning, serves as a reminder of how it can be.  How it will be when I shake off the dog for good.

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