Monday, January 24, 2011

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Looking back, I can see now that the easy way out would have been to say, "No thank you, I can't make it that night," and gone on home.  It would not, however, been the mentally healthy thing to do.  Being a hermit never solves anything.

I've been fending off a major episode for some time now.  It's been out there, on the periphery, trying to get at me.  I have been successfully employing the defense techniques like distraction, interrupting negative thought processes... you know how it goes.  And while I have been successful keeping it mostly at arm's length, it's wearing me out.  I'm tired.  Sometimes I think that I should just lay down and let the episode ravage me, 'cause then I know it will run its course and go away for another while.  This way I am always on the defensive.  Always remembering to stop the thought processes.  Always watching out for catastrophizing.  I know, though, the voice telling me to lie down and take it is the evil dance partner of which I previously wrote. And, as we discussed, that partner must never be allowed to lead.

A few days ago there was this social gathering.  Nothing serious, just a few friends from work gathering over the weekend.  I could feel the episode nipping at my heels and alarms were going off about heading out to a social occasion.  If you have read earlier postings, you know that can be an instant trigger for me.  Alas, I went, as I knew that was the Right Thing to do.  Sure enough, after a short time, the dark curtain started to descend.  Having stayed for a length of time that would not make my departure seem odd, I got going, and headed home.  The drive home was one of those rough patches.  I briefly considered detouring to the hospital, I was feeling that poorly.  I didn't, and ended up at home.  That's when I managed to go on the offensive and pull myself out of the slump enough to get some sleep.  Next morning I threw everything I had at the episode and got through another brush with it.  

I got through it, but as mentioned... it's draining.  It's tiring.

So, what's to be done?  In an old Western movie, the hero would lie down by the fire and get some rest while his partner kept watch for bad guys and wild animals.  While very useful in John Wayne movies where there is always a happy ending involving a sunset, is it an effective method for real life?

This leads me to an unexpected train of thought.  Maybe, just maybe, having a partner in life is no longer just something that "might be nice".  Rather, I believe that finding someone to share my life would be good...for both of us.  For that's what relationships are all about.  Someone to watch over you while you sleep so the bad guys don't get you.  And in return, you watch over them when wild animals approach.  Ride slowly towards the sunset as happy guitar music plays. Is it a good sign that after so long, I am considering a relationship?  I like to think so.

I have to say, fighting off the evil dance partner all alone is proving to be tiring.  When I committed to a recovery process I didn't quite know what I was getting into, clearly.  However, I am now on the road, and darnit, I'm gonna make it after all.

(yes I do make a serious and conscious effort to end my posts with a touch of positivity, no matter how bad it's been)


  1. Hi Thera. I was over visiting Klahanie and he suggested I should stop by. It's a pleasure meeting you. I enjoyed your post very much. I'll be back.

  2. Joylene thanks for the visit and the kind words!


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