Monday, July 18, 2011

What was I saying?

I kinda lost my place.

But the losing of my place comes with a couple of interesting observations.  With the new job to which I previously alluded, I have been busier then I have been in a long long time.  This busy-ness caused an unexpected side effect.

Lack of depression.  

Probably it has something to do with distraction.  Which as we have discussed on a couple of occasions, is usually a very good way to dodge a major depressive episode.  Oh how I love those.

So as far as I can figure, the non-stop chaotic nature of my new job has distracted me quite handily from falling into the abyss.  Ahh the abyss.  The Black Dog.  The dark curtain.  The award for most metaphors.  Wait what was I saying?  Oh yes.  Distraction is good as it stops me from going under.

Another interesting observation.  When I'm up, I enjoy and savor being up.  I do a little socializing.  I do a little cooking.  I do a little hiking in the forest.  I become less of a hermit crab.  And one thing I do not have any urge to do when up and functioning... is to write in this space.  It's a reminder that I'm not fully functional  It's a reminder that I live with great pain at times.  It's a reminder.

"So," you are saying to yourself just about now, "If you're feeling better and really don't want to write here when you feel better cause it reminds you....well that must mean.....oh."

Right you are.  Things are deteriorating.  I hate when they do that.  

It's time for the third interesting observation.  When I first started my new job, it was rather like being in a pounding surf, and going under water a bit now and again.  It took all I had to rise above and keep head above water, so to speak.  Now while self-confidence is not my personal fort√©, I am able to admit to being fairly good at what I do.  That skill has enabled me to rise above the pounding surf, and kind of ride the wave a bit.  Quite normal, I would expect.  The first few weeks of any job can be frantic.  One gets used to the new routine, learns new skills, and gets into a groove.

Except oh-hold-the-phone!  Being in a groove, on top of the wave, and possibly some more analogies I've not yet written, gives my addled mind time to relax and think.  And when my addled mind has time to itself, it tends to malfunction.  And that's where I am.  Slightly malfunctioning.  I can feel the old nasty feelings creeping back into my brain.  They kind of have a cold, numbing feeling.  I don't much like them.  The feeling of disappointment follows close behind, as I thought I had been doing so well.  As I know now, it wasn't real.  Recovery, however slight, was just imaginary.  Depression was waiting in the wings for me.  Ready to wander back into my head when I stopped being to busy to notice.

And so, here I am once again writing in this space, scribbling down my thoughts in a renewed effort to help my mind make sense of what's going on inside.


I've tasted being vaguely happy, and I want more.

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